Relationships are complicated.
There’s just no way around that. Even the closest friendship has its problems. But when we’re talking romantic attachments, the possibilities are endless on what may complicate them. I know. I’ve had two failed marriages. But if I’ve learned anything from it, it’s that you have to have something in common besides physical attraction.
Dear gentlemen, women are uncomfortable with themselves because that’s what society has taught us. Consider this. From a very early age, we’re taught that someday, our prince will come. But we’re told he will come along and sweep us off our feet and carry us off to the perfect happily ever after that doesn’t really exist. There is no Prince Charming out there that isn’t a sociopath. You know the type. The one that gives the woman he chooses what he thinks she wants, which also happens to be what SHE thinks she wants so she falls completely head over heels in love with something that doesn’t really exist. Then when he shows his true colors, her dreams fall apart and she thinks she did something wrong that changed him, which of course is what he wants her to think. Problem is, he ruins her for the decent guys out there. She holds on to the idea that she found it once, she can do it again. Except if she does, the cycle starts again.
So those who come along after the sociopath has exited, stage left go into the relationship thinking they found the perfect example of a girl next door type, only to find out that she’s handling him with kid gloves because she’s afraid he’s gonna turn out to be less than her high expectation or she hides bits of herself to avoid scaring him away. She still thinks there is something wrong with her and that it’s her fault men don’t stay. You can tell her, “it’s not you, it’s me” all you want. It’s not going to sink in. Not during a break up anyway. She’ll realize it eventually.
Now Ladies, I’m not saying it’s all the guys’ fault either. Men and women mess each other up. Look at how you’re treating a man in your life. Are you taking out your frustrations and pain of past relationships on the current guy? He didn’t cause that pain. Have you built brick walls around your hearts? Are you letting them in or just using them for what they can give you either materially or even physically. We all do crave human contact. But every human being wants to be valued as more than just a warm body. And yes, this does go both ways. Men and women both want affection and they both take out their pain and frustration out on the person they’re with because the last few were jerks. Try to be aware that everyone is suffering from previous damage and treat them with compassion. If it’s not going to work out, just say, this isn’t working. Perhaps there is someone more suited to each of us outside of this relationship. I wish you all the best. Try not to just leaving them hanging and wondering what they did wrong.
It took a lot of pain and heart ache to finally learn what it is I want in a relationship. And I think it’s a good formula for all of us. We should look for someone we have a lot in common with, but we should also take care to make sure the things we do have in common are the things that are most important to us. Someone can be a 96% match on a dating site but if you disagree on something serious, like politics, religion or if you have very different goals for the future that conflict, it’s still not going to work out. And when you’re looking, look for someone who gets you. I know it’s not easy to find such a thing because it’s hard to even define. Just imagine what it would be like to never have to explain why you think something is hilarious because they’re laughing with you. Imagine being able to pour your heart out and not have their eyes glaze over in the first two minutes. Imagine someone who shows up on a holiday with your favorite meal or dessert or wine or popcorn and a movie that you watch together. Imagine getting exactly what you want for Christmas that you didn’t ask for because he or she just knew. To have someone that can read your needs and wants nothing more than to fulfill them. Imagine having someone who knows when you just need some space but also knows when you really need a cuddle. Or someone who would embarrass themselves just to make you laugh, and would hold you while you cried. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Or should be?
Relationships are complicated.